I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Randomize