from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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