We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
