sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Randomize
