What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
