She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
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