I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Randomize
