I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Randomize