cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
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