She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
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