Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
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