Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Randomize
