How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
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