Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
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