I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
Randomize
