you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
Randomize
