Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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