Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
I just gift wrapped bread.
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
Randomize
