i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
You were trust falling into bushes
i think i just lost a toe
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize