3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
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