I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
How can i make it up 2 u?
DREW I AM SMOKING POT AND FUCKING. WE CANNOT DISCUSS THIS AT THIS PARTICULAR JUNCTURE.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
