"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
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