I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
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