I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Randomize
