im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
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