Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
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