My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
