I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Randomize