Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
