my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Randomize
