We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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