I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
