he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
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