Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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