My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Randomize
