why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
Randomize
