So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
please come you make the beer taste better
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize