I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
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