I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
I just cut my nipple shaving
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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