So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
