I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
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