Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
Randomize
