This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
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