Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Randomize
