You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
Randomize
