Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
I don't care if its bassically 3rd world. A country without a drinking age is a country without a drinking age.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
Randomize
