By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
Randomize
