is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
so much tequila, so little girl.
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
