Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
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