She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
