I murdered the dance floor call the cops
she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
Randomize
