what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
This just in: Jon Gosselin's address-The Alexandra. I bet if we showed up he'd date us.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
That accounts for only three of the penises
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Randomize
