She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
