come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
Randomize
