yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Randomize
