You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Randomize
