I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Randomize
