I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
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