just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
what day is it and did you see me today?
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
Randomize
